“The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.”

Isaiah 43:2 ESV

I spent much of my childhood being mad at God. I heard people talk about how He was good and faithful and how he cares for us, but I could not comprehend how any of that was true when he took my brother from me.

My brother died when I was thirteen. Losing him really messed up my relationship with God for awhile. I wanted to believe that He was good and He wanted the best for me, but my belief was clouded with so much pain. 

You cannot put a time limit on a grieving heart, and what I am finding out is it will always hurt. There is healing in the midst of the pain, however, you have to learn how to let people walk through the pain with you to find it. Most of my grief I tried to walk in it alone. I tried to figure it out between me and God, asking questions but not getting the answers (or maybe I was just not liking the answers I was getting). God’s grace is what kept me living through that time, but he also designed us to be in community with one another. Me trying to do it all on my own was not working well.

When I got married to my sweet husband DJ is when I truly realized I had to start talking. I had to talk about the pain I was feeling and invite people into the dark corners of my heart. I had to believe DJ when he told me he loved me even though I thought and felt the things I was feeling and could not love myself.

DJ never wavered in his love for me. Through DJ’s love I have realized that this is the way God has felt about me my whole life. No matter how mad I was at Him for taking away my brother. No matter how much I turned my back on Him for allowing certain things to happen to me. No matter how much I wandered and tried to go my own way…His love never wavered for me and it never will.

Like a sheep, I was prone to wander. There were, and still are, seasons after losing my brother that feel long and dark. Seasons where I feel like I am out in the field, all alone looking for my way home.

But the Lord is our good shepherd. He is our home. He will go to the ends of the earth, the depths of the fields, the corners of the darkest forest just to find you. He loves you regardless of your thoughts, his love has never wavered for you and it never will.

 

JamieLee finds deep-rooted joy being in her kitchen. When she is chopping veggies, stirring soup, watching her bread rise and fall…it is in those moments she can hear God the clearest. She is a passionate gatherer, writer, small business owner and loves talking about food, natural health and the way those things effect us. She lives in North Dakota with her Husband, DJ and dog Porter. 

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